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Hellfueled: Emission of sins

25/11/09 || Trauma

I’m going to bake a cake today, folks. I know what you’re thinking, cake is not something one in touch with their masculinity would indulge in making. Wrong, motherfucker. You see, this isn’t just any kind of cake. I’m baking a riff-cake. To do this I’m going to heavily modify a pound cake recipe to make quite a succulent treat. You can make it penis-shaped like I always do, or just have fun with it.

First off, we need to get prepare the ingredients (by volume, not weight). Oh, silly me. Don’t forget to begin heating your oven about now to ~400 degrees Fahrenheit. Celsius is unreliable for this kind of baking, we don’t have time for decimal places when we’re dealing with heat. For optimum texture and smoothness we need about 2 cups of the finest Zakk Wylde™ riff flour (unbleached is best) you have. Set that aside along with a cup all-purpose riff flour to round out the taste and help it rise to a tolerable consistency. With your flour now set aside along with just a pinch of salt, let’s move over to the glue for this dessert. We’re going to need 1 cup of unsalted drum butter (nothing flashy, please) and 4 bass eggs (helps to adhere the riff flour and drum butter together, as well as provide just that bit of color for the finished product). Here is where we put in our Ozzy™ grade sugar sweetness to the mix. It’s a highly volatile grade, however, we have a secret ingredient to be added that will surely take care of any problems that may arise from its usage.

Got all your ingredients ready? We’re going to start off with the gluey goop that is the base for everything, the liquid concrete, the rhythm by which the riffs will pound your taste buds. I suggest beginning the mixing in a medium-to-high quality studio for best sonic quality, but a cake such as this can be adequately finished with the most scrupulous of tools, i.e., you’re not going to be disappointed regardless of your hardware.

As all that is mixing, now we have to get to our riff-flour ready for addition and completion of the tasty treat. Remember I mentioned we had a secret weapon to help combat the at-times unbearable taste of the Ozzy™ grade sugar? We’re going to add balls. Yes, balls. Big, hairy, manly balls. Without this very ingredient, this particular cake can and will leave a terrible taste in your mouth. You could always try a different sugar, but you just don’t get the same result.

Okay, so we mix for only a short time. You will see some lumps and inconsistencies right away, but just leave it. Just walk away. Those will bake out and you’ll not notice they were there in the first place. The oven should be ready by now, so take your mixture, put it in your pan, and then slap that bitch in the oven for about 35-40 minutes. Once it’s done, you’re going to have yourself a very satisfying riff-cake, heavy on the riffs making your taste buds bounce. Don’t overdo it eating this, though. Too much consumption all at one time can tend to keep you indisposed at the toilet.

7.5

Information
Released: 2009
Label: Black Lodge
Website: www.hellfueled.com
Band
Andy: vocals
Jocke: guitar
Henke: bass
Kent: drums

Tracklist
01. Where angels die
02. Am I blind
03. I’m the crucifix
04. A remission of my sins
05. Save me
06. Lost forever
07. For my family and satan
08. In anger
09. End of the road
10. Stone by stone
11. Moving on (instrumental)

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